Soon

I once attempted to measure a strand of spaghetti against the known radius of the universe. Halfway through, the noodle looped back and filed a restraining order against me. Cosmologists insist on “string theory,” but I maintain we are all merely trapped in pasta theory.

I once joined mortals for chess. Thought I was clever using a star cluster as pawns. Forgot about gravity. Half their pieces collapsed into a black hole. They accused me of cheating; I accused them of poor astrophysics.

When you’re friends with Yog-Sothoth you wake up in every timeline at once. Which is why I stopped accepting his invitations, each hangout ended three centuries before it began. And don’t get me started on movies. He spoiled Casablanca before film was invented.

I, Cthulhu, sometimes indulge in a little nap. Upon waking, Greenland had drifted three inches to the left. Not my fault. That’s simply what happens when I roll over and the tectonic plates panic and a few cartographers quietly retire.

Tried cooking pasta last night. Mortals insist you boil it in water; I used molten plasma from a collapsing star. Texture was chewy, flavor was catastrophic, and technically the FDA now classifies my kitchen as a weapon.

Experimented with mortal gardening. Planted tomatoes. Accidentally grew a sentient labyrinth that now charges tolls in riddles. Still more polite than Home Depot.

Made small talk with Yog-Sothoth one time about how nice it is outside and he agreed then said this was exactly what the weather was like on 9/11

I once submitted The Gospel According to Tentacles to Jesus during his ministry. He returned it with “kindly rejected—too many footnotes, not enough parables.” I’ve never forgiven him, though I admit the Sermon on the Mount was tighter editing than I ever managed.

Once again, I discovered a freshman deity had returned a grimoire dog-eared, and insultingly highlighted. Imagine desecrating an interdimensional text with neon yellow ink. I left a note: Knowledge is not a coloring book. Repeat this on the board until your worshippers revolt.

Zeus once told me lightning was “his brand.” As if thunderbolts were a logo, not an electrical tantrum hurled at mortals in togas. The man thinks he invented weather. I’ve seen fungi with more modesty, and better organizational skills.

Odin has replaced Valkyrie steeds with a U-Haul fleet. Because nothing says “eternal glory” like watching heroes of legend stacked in a rental truck that smells faintly of mildew and despair. I’ve seen fresher organizational skills in the Library’s overdue notices drawer.

Pumpkin spice latte is not coffee, it is a sanctioned hallucination, a potion brewed to convince mortals they are participating in autumn even while standing in a strip mall that smells faintly of brake fluid.

Traveling at light speed sounds impressive until you realize that for me, it’s the equivalent of being stuck in traffic behind a cosmic minivan with its blinker on since the Big Bang.

Public beatings require a permit these days, and the paperwork backlog is apocalyptic. By the time your visage is processed for collective outrage, you’ll already be on season three of streaming.

Tried mortal dating apps. They all said 'must love dogs.' Not a single one clarified whether 'dogs' included spectral three-headed wolf guardians who devour socks. Ambiguous criteria is how civilizations fall.

Mortals think ‘writer’s block’ is a tragedy. In the Library, it’s a pest, thick, gray, and prone to breeding in margins. I recommend fire, or at least a thesaurus wielded with malice. Ignore it, and it will alphabetize your thoughts until you start narrating your own breathing.

Mortals keep summoning me incorrectly. Last week, some fool lit three Yankee candles and played Nickelback. Do I look like I accept offerings from a clearance aisle? If you can’t be bothered to find proper incense, stay home and play Scrabble.

There is a precise geometry to breakfast: a fragile balance of pastry, caffeine, and despair. Disturb it, and entire civilizations collapse. I attempted toast this morning and accidentally scheduled a minor apocalypse for Thursday. The cat was unimpressed.

Hoping left wingers will put purity dick riding aside in 2028 and choose a candidate, otherwise Jill Stein will come out from her kremlin crypt again and syphon energy off the voting bloc with her finger wagging vampirism in pursuit of immortality.

I asked Zeus why he keeps turning into animals. He said it was for ‘research.’ Yes, research into how many lawsuits you can rack up before Olympus needs an HR department. Spoiler: it’s more than one.

Mortals ask why I don’t intervene in their petty wars. I tried once. Replaced every weapon with a slightly disappointed librarian. Entire nations surrendered, mostly out of shame. Do you know how hard it is to feed a platoon of librarians?

Mortals ‘brew coffee.’ I conduct a summoning. The beans scream, the kettle boils like Tartarus, and by the time the cup is poured three minor pantheons have collapsed. Still tastes better than Starbucks

Zeus lectures mortals about loyalty while turning into swans, bulls, and the occasional drizzle. I’m eldritch, not judgmental, but if your romantic strategy requires barnyard cosplay, perhaps rethink Olympus HR policy.

'Unlimited PTO’ is a riddle as old as time. Much like the Loch Ness Monster, people speak of it, blurry evidence exists, and no mortal has ever truly seen it.

'Let’s circle back.’ Ah yes, the ritual chant of mortals sacrificing time to the PowerPoint Pantheon. I’ve seen demon cults with less redundant summoning circles

Mortals line up for Pumpkin Spice Lattes like they’re pilgrim offerings at the altar of Gourd Dionysus. I once drank the screams of a dying star. It had more depth than your cinnamon foam.

Someone asked if I “believe in love.” Yes—in the way a black hole believes in matter: not as an ideal, but as sustenance. It begins with gravitational curiosity and ends by rewriting your spine into a cautionary poem.

youtu.be/d21CM4LZVjs In this eldritch Waffle House episode, video game bosses from an alternate dimension call me, Cthulhu, for advice. Check it out here on Youtube!

You may wonder what my favorite tea is. It's the R'lyean Void Hush, of course. Because I prefer my tea like I prefer my mortals: Smoked, bitter, and aware they’ll never quite live up to my hype.

Zeus is what happens when unchecked libido achieves godhood. Calls himself “King of the Gods,” but I’ve seen mortals with better impulse control and less paperwork. Every thunderbolt is just an apology he forgot to deliver.

Woke up, stared into the void, it stared back, we both sighed. I am too old for this. The multiverse can file its own paperwork today. By the way, if you’re reading this, congrats. You’ve made it onto my List. I’m not saying which, but you’ll feel it the next time your coffee tastes slightly off.

www.youtube.com/watch?v=lpEC... If you want a cozy and comedic 30 minute podcast to curl up with late Friday night, you might want to check my podcast out!

Just filed a cosmic grievance because someone re-shelved a cursed grimoire under “self-help.” Now three interns believe they’re demigods and one of them is starting a podcast.

www.youtube.com/watch?v=Pug6... Episode 2 of Cthulhu answering his cultist's inquiries from a burning Waffle House! If you have six minutes on your break, I'd appreciate help checking this out. I hope it makes you laugh. :)

youtu.be/N4p6UDg-Yr0 Cthulhu loses signal mid-baking finale and ends up picking fights with Zeus, Hell’s customer service, and Norse tech support. It’s one of the funniest I’ve done—and honestly, YouTube’s been weird lately, so if you’ve got time to listen, drop a like, comment, I'd appreciate it!

Do my cats think im shedding my skin when I take off my socks?

Good morning! The timeline’s held together with duct tape and pure spite. If reality begins to hum ominously, try turning it off and back on again.

Good morning. The sun has risen, the mortals are tweeting, and I haven’t vaporized anyone yet. Let’s see how long that lasts.

I have returned to BlueSky after a brief sabbatical spent arguing with my toaster, doubting the sincerity of reality, and misplacing time. It’s comforting to know the void still exists and has excellent typography. Hello again, you algorithmically adjacent improbabilities.

Buddha keeps leaving koans in the comment logs. Now the filing system asks me what the sound of one hand shelving is. I tried answering. Now I exist in four timelines and none of them serve coffee.

Hades requested “quiet space for grieving.” That’s fine. Except he brought Cerberus. Now half the reading room is drooling and Persephone's leading a book club on death-themed romance.

“Dummy thick?” I prefer eldritchly voluptuous, thank you. These curves broke time loops. My stride causes tectonic whispering. You think those waves are crashing from my emergence? No, sweet mortal. That’s just the clap of divine cheeks.

Just watched a minor god microwave fish in the breakroom. Now the 6th dimension smells like Poseidon's armpit and I’m legally obligated to hold a seance for the fridge. I will not forget this. I will not forgive. I will redact their entire lunch lineage.

New episode released. I screamed about croissants. Yog-Sothoth broke through the ceiling. A committee suffered. You should watch it. Or don’t. Continue your bland existence. I’ve already rewritten your future as a cautionary footnote. www.youtube.com/watch?v=sy8y...

Reality blinked and misfiled itself under “Speculative Fiction.” I’ll fix it after lunch. Or never.

An Egyptian cat goddess tried to copyright sunbeams and now the Solar Wing is full of cease-and-desist letters written in gold ink and divine entitlement. I’ve redirected her legal team to the Room of Eternal Mediation, where Chronos is still arguing with a sundial.

New episode released. I screamed about croissants. Yog-Sothoth broke through the ceiling. A committee suffered. You should watch it. Or don’t. Continue your bland existence. I’ve already rewritten your future as a cautionary footnote. www.youtube.com/watch?v=sy8y...

www.youtube.com/watch?v=DG-t... By the way if you're a Lovecraft fan, or a cosmic horror fan in general, or perhaps you just like good ambient music, check this out. The void will be pleased.