Hit with a spontaneous decision which is always great for forcing you to realize how you actually feel about something.

weight loss is going steady but slow, feels great to be moving more again though. The other day accidentally just spaced and walked an extra 15k steps but honestly can just walk and walk. def miss wandering my old mountain home town all day.

big "aren't you tired of being nice don't you want to go apeshit" energy, its learned behavior tbh

Brain nothing but pure fucking anxiety lately

Plan still to leave nyc asap but now opening up where we are gonna go. It feels impossible to look at any place and see a stable future there.

Was worried I wouldn't find the enthusiasm for pride stuff this year and yeah just not finding it in there

It's insane the amount of vague posts I see shitting on people i know and you can instantly tell which idiot spread the lies that caused it. I swear the sweetest most harmless people attract the most negative attention from unhinged morons without anything in their life but their grudges.

Going through old art, nostalgic for the time when I was energized and hopeful and saw so much possibility in all this. Drew this lil comic excited to be moving to the place that ended up killing all that energy and hope and enthusiasm and any self joy I had finally built up.

Panic attack worse than I've had in years. Reverse egg crack maybe or like. Could feel that dream and hope inside me die. I feel so weird and hollow right now. Not feeling detrans thoughts more like the feeling i had pre transition without the possibility of doing it, already did and it didn't work.

In my first year out I had little fleeting moments of gender euphoria that I now can't recapture. The years and experiences within have taken my ability to access those feelings anymore and I'm daily wracked with anxiety over if I'll ever get to feel that way again.

I swear half the time I come to this bar I get offered mushroom edibles. They seem like they are ubiquitous lately. It's that the right word?? Anyways can't so no so. Yay.

I keep seeing reports on ai generated videos meant to villanize trans women and every time I do they don't make the trans women in those videos look like my friends. They make them look like me. Starting to feel like that is contributing to me catching so much more flak in public than the people-

Not feeling this

Going through the pile of post it's i drew while coming off meds, don't remember drawing this so yeah not uhhh trying those again lol

going through old photos and just fuck I wish I could take all the people I love and put them in the same place with safe housing and meds and I would enjoy life forever seeing those people every day

I'm very dysphoric moments I'm burdened by what pre transition me would think if she met me, or rather the big choice she would reconsider after meeting.

fuck

I'm too fucking exhausted

Today feel happy but also drawing feels hard and weird and off. Tbh meds affecting art is a no go for me so gonna be watching that closely, exact kind of side effect I was worried about.

finally taking an ssri for the first time and I think the thought of the side effects has caused me more anxiety and depression than I had before

:/

The amount of times you want to be like i don't fucking care what the reason this happened is. People can do things they have good reason to do and you can feel like shit about the action for good reason, both things can exist. And you can choose to distance over those things.

seeing some genuine incel shit from people lately

Gonna be real saw the most unhinged shit today, truly child like behavior. Sometimes just have to remember people are not all there and it sucks they destroy the lives of others but I really dont know what you can do. Tumblr destroyed a generation for sure.

Fucking city that turns human beings into socially parasitic ghouls. Mad Max cosplaying as community. Neverland for emotional growth.

This is ancient but (old hair, old apt) but I found it and finally uploaded it

When you are stuck in a position of thing you can't intervene in but also you know there isn't help to call for because anything official is just gonna make this worse. Genuinely don't know what to do but oooooof anxiety.

Sighing too heavily, stare going far past a thousand yards. Feel like my body blinks and breathes slowly because it's weighing the cost of every one of those actions. Like a statue holding itself together, finally releases all that stone into dust.

Had a lil crisis last night when I went to finally practice tattooing after a while of not touching the machine. It was like picking it up for the first time again and I just felt so frustrated at myself for dropping it for so long. Wrote out some long term plans to stick to, not gonna pause again.

Ooooooooo did not expect the fact Maarva in Andor season one looks so much like my late grandmother to hit like that

Fml comfort bar closed, always randomly closed on nights I could REALLY REALLY use existing in that space.

The post it's she had on the old computer case lol

I saw that thing going around again of the paintings nine years apart and just damn my heart aches for something like in my life. A comfy home you get to live in for years, someone to share that with and celebrate. Really can't get it out of my head lately.

Thing that sucks that you knew was gonna suck but even all the mental prep and thinking you are prepared can't stop it from stinging.

New years resolutions bingo

Not sure what to do

Partner tells me a thing that rings so true to my trans experience. Cis lesbians see a butch trans woman and see a version of womanhood whereas some trans women see a butch trans woman and see a failed attempt at transness.

Oh whoops the drunk doodle i made for the bar might be their new logo

Last night was rough but ended so wonderfully. Went to a cute queer bar that just opened and stayed till 4am. Took so many wonderful pics of all the amazing people I met there.

New dyke bar opened up right by me, dream come true. Spent all night drinking and took like 1000 photos. Best thing to happen while trying to forget family death

Rough night

Cough kept waking up the bun so I went to crash on couch and just ughhhhhhhhhhhh need sleep and snuggles 😭😭😭

Sighhhhhhh

If there was an goddess of butchness I do think she would be shedding silent tears eternally, slowly working away and supporting and moving forward.