Happy "Going for a Walk with your Cousin" Day!

"They dropped a house on my sister, so yeah, I'm beginning to think I'm back." - John Wicked

"No I'm hearing this for the first time. A house, really? Which witch? The Wicked witch?"

Kim Davis when the Supreme Court upholds gay marriage

The Democrats remind me of this guy in college who decided to not have sex (totally fine) but over a myriad of other options, he chose to drive home drunk.

I hate sports Halloween. What do you mean you're Jordan Hudson's sonogram from the 2000 Patriots season?

nobody: robotic voice in a RUSH song: "░S░U░B░D░I░V░I░S░I░O░N░S░"

oh no they gave Stretch Armstrong fuck boi tattoo!!

It's like saying PIN Number or ATM Machine, or BTK Killer

Hey friends, looking for some extra freelance work for the end of the year. Willing to work within your budget. Can provide my portfolio. DM me if you need any of the following: 🎨 Graphic Design ✅ Show Posters ✅ Logos ✅ Twitch/YouTube Overlays ✅ Pitch Decks 🧵 1/3

My wife said "beheading?! you'd better be heading out the door!"

me to a founding father: "look, I'll explain what this weird device is in a second, just tell me if you hear 'yanny' or 'laurel.'"

call me fortunato because of how bricked up I am

Superman deleted scene

remembering Kilson from The Dark Knight

Darth Vader. Willy Wonka. The Grinch. Childhoods I never needed to see on screen.

a controversial opinion, but one I stand by

me cleaning out a closet

wait, he's Gigli?!? I always thought she was Gigli!

made this to send in a group chat and honestly it's funnier without the context

Trump "there are too many days off" Buddy when you die I'm taking the entire week off

the mountain climber on the price is right when you guess too high for the price of a blender

here me out, @sephora should have a rack of these bad boys for the significant others to read in their store

hate to be this guy, but the plural is "Missions: Impossible"

JD Vance explains that 3 inches is "more than enough"

JD Vance explains that 3 inches is "more than enough"

"if y'all really want Jodi Foster to trickle down 💦 come to the Reagan Library!"

I asked for a Bears Super Bowl, I became the Pope. How's that for being born under a bad sign?

Da Pope

Black and White checkered smoke, the conclave has elected the new Ska Pope

The last thing Pope Francis saw

Easter Parlay is about to go the fuck off!

Pontius Pilot

nobody: Katy Perry's agent:

Nice try Cosmo and Wanda

me: "Starbucks? More like this bar sucks!" barista: "sir for the final time we don't serve alcohol here."

*Sarah McLaughlin song plays* "Every year hundred of Kryptonians are imprisoned in the Phantom Zone"

Weezer makes the catchiest 2 min songs then adds 3 mins of bullshit to it

Schumer puts the cuck" in "liberal cuck"

outie: innie:

1. GOP 2. Establishment Dems 3. Nancy List of people who have regularly sucked Reagan's dick

"Theodore Bear? The Financier?"

walked outside and saw a man with ashes on his forehead, I guess there's six more weeks of lent

"If you shot the barrels you would have more troops and more ammo. Instead you're here begging - BEGGING the US for money."

Timothée Chalamet at the #Oscars

me describing Damian Wayne being introduced:

"Your outie owns thousands of action figures and knows everything about the cereal monsters."