I have some equally breaking news: the sun is hot.

It looks like Epstein is occasionally showing up in the Trump files.

The DOD's budget is almost 1 trillion dollars. Surely at least a quarter of that goes toward Hegsangria's bar tab.

I'm probably not going to get 2 elephants again for Christmas this year. Everything sucks.

I want to wish our brother, the sandwich thrower, the most joyous of holidays and blessings galore for 2026.

Prejudices are what fools use for reason. -Voltaire

I'd rather be pelted with wrenches from head to toe while being doused with lye and being forced to eat paint chips while standing on hot coals while a team of juvenile delinquents blast me with water bazookas filled with sulfuric acid.

So we have to go back and forth to Canada to watch tv to get truthful news about all the criminals in charge of our country

I hope everyone has a wonderful holiday season except all the obvious a**holes.

To everyone who confirmed Pam Bondi: I want to congratulate you on your limitless ignorance & sycophancy not to mention your stunning display of individual & group stupidity. This will go down as one of the dumbest confirmations in history next to Hegsangria.

I don't like to brag and be all look at me but I can point out a giraffe AND a whole battleship.

Try embroidering after you make me some butta!

My bff pays for my Netflix bc I'm a cheap ass & don't pay for apps & she switched phone carriers/her Netflix is on that plan. My Netflix went out @ a critical moment & I'm like when is this getting fixed. I'm living in Medieval times here really. I guess I'll go outside & churn some butter.

Elizabeth Bathory strikes again newrepublic.com/post/204316/...

Oh Lordt he's got the tiny hands

Party host: Ash, did you eat all the sweet potato pie so no one else could have any Me:

Stephen Miller's birth certificate found on the derelict ship in "Alien"

My bff is heading to her family's for Christmas and 1 dog is having an existential crisis, one is going to murder her tonight in her sleep and the one in the back is just excited to be alive.

The Epstein files are redacted so hard they look like televisions when they're turned off.

That's because he hasn't done anything illegal ffs

Things my 115 lb staffie is not afraid of: Intruders Weapons Attackers Vans too close to us on our walk Armies of soldiers Bazookas T Rex Afraid of: Paint rollers Paper airplanes Dishwasher Smoke detector beeping sound Large clear plastic containers Getting his ears cleaned Paper towels

Of all the things I was never going to ever watch this was the one I was not going to watch the mostest

It's "potentially divisive" when you tell me there were a ton of better players in baseball than Bo Jackson. It is not "potentially divisive" to own and display swastikas and nooses ffs.

This is what my best friend deals with every day

Ooooo ooooo lemme guess lemme guess...he invested in a sofa manufacturer and now has many mistressofas I kill me I really do

Probably because he mistook it for a Grindr app update

This creature struggles to spell the word, "the."

Used my Mac desktop to find my iPhone which was in the refrigerator next to my Diet Mountain Dews. Since everyone keeps their iPhones there I didn't feel stupid about it.

Thank you

I watched a documentary on Bigfoot. They like red delicious apples. I just thought y'all should know this.

Also critical.

What's not in the Epstein photos: Obama Biden Hunter Biden Drag Queens Immigrant children To Kill a Mockingbird Non gerrymandered maps Pope Leo Women WH Press Corps Members The woman who was shot by ICE Trans ppl The Gulf of Mexico The Kennedy Center Martin Luther King Mail in ballots

I don't like to brag or anything and be all look at me but I was at a fancy function and the host gave a toast and I successfully started the slow clap at the concision of it. The slow clap is not easily mastered. I'm kind of a big deal around here.

Yassssss

I just checked the news. Sometimes I think it would feel better if I cleaned my ears with ice picks instead of q-tips.

I'm dealing with an opposing counsel who is an abomination to the field. I've put him on double secret probation. Pretty sure I have the upper hand now.

I want to thank my dogs and especially all my supporters for awarding me this Peace Prize for breaking up the squirrel fight in our driveway last month. I've saved millions of lives. Thank you.

Chuck Grassley was alive for the birth of FM radio and the first singing telegram. Pretty sure for the building of Machu Picchu too. Term limits, people.

Rilie passed away. She had heart failure. She was almost 14.

So @themachetiedawg.bsky.social can't see all the haters with his love glasses on

Tennessee vote like your life depends on it. Because it does.

MAYBE I SHOULD RUN FOR MAYOR OF DC

I would say Mr. Sofa Sex has a plethora of problems.

Another conversation with the bestie

What my bff wakes up to from me on a lazy Sunday

Excuse me but here I am changing a tire

Thank you

This is accurate.