I hate that plastic drinks bottles now have the lid attached, and its job is to make sure a drop of the drink splashes onto my Dolce* & Gabbana** *Florence **Fred

Well done on World Cup qualification, England. Now can we please boycott the bastard thing.

I'm only living in a box until there's room in your heart. #80s

Speaking as the global head of Antifa, I must say I'm terrified of Trump's goons coming to arrest me. Terrified.

Guanout of my mind = Batshit crazy

Off to see my all-time favourite band tonight for gig #654, The Wedding Present in Manchester. My 98th time seeing them.

Sure, he's given away a lot of free kicks and picked up a lot of yellow cards, but I don't regret signing Leighton Clumsy.

Special offer on explicit lyrics stickered product in my local record shop: Buy one, get one for fuck all.

To everyone who thinks they're getting raptured shortly: No you are not.

Saw my first two examples of flag-nonce activity; a George Cross and a Union Flag on two bridges near my house. They'd both been taken down by the time I went back with my cable tie cutters.

It's Bandcamp Friday, which I'm pretty sure makes you morally and legally obligated to buy this. I don't make the rules. agathashingles.bandcamp.com/album/grippy...

The new EP from Agatha Shingles is now available from Bandcamp if you're so inclined. Obviously it's ace* *other opinions are widespread agathashingles.bandcamp.com/album/grippy...

Gig #653 is Pelican tonight in Manchester. My 3rd time seeing them. Trains aren't running so it's a bit of a schlep on buses and a massive walk.

I suppose it's the only way anyone's ever going to look up to him.

Shortly off to gig #652 in a cave in the Peak District. Half Man Half Biscuit, my 10th time seeing them, making them the 6th act to reach double figures.

Ewwww www.bbc.co.uk/news/article...

What kind of waxing do antipodean soldiers have done? Back crack anzac.

I don't think a flat pitch should be described as a road. Have you seen the state of the roads? #bbccricket

Gig #651 was the awesome Iron Maiden last night at Co-Op Live in Manchester. My third time seeing them, twelve years to the day after my second time. Manchester draws level with Cambridge in the cities/towns list with 67 shows, in joint 2nd place behind Zurich (103)

Gig #650 is the mighty Bruce Springsteen tonight in Manchester, my 7th time seeing him but the first time indoors. Never been to Coop Live before so that's venue #251

I prefer to call it an island of friends you haven't met.

It's funny how wrong 'un means arsehole in both contexts.

Gig #649 is Mogwai tonight in Manchester, my 51st time seeing them. Never been to Victoria Warehouse before so that's venue #250.

I gave the grass a quick cut, or as I call it, Depeche Mowed.

I'm going to take this opportunity to highlight something I can't stand about, well, people. This post made me laugh so I liked it. Many others have too. But hundreds have chosen to reply, and I'm not calling them all dullards, but most are. Stop replying to genius with banality, it dilutes it.

Gig #648 is This Will Destroy You tonight in Manchester. My sixth time seeing them.

Instructor- Welcome to this repeatedly saying Scottish rivers without stuttering class. Who'd like to start us off? How about you, Mel & Kim? Mel & Kim- Tay tay tay tay t-t-t-tay tay tay tay Instructor- (sighs)

Gig #647 is Alan Sparhawk in Manchester tonight. Never seen him solo before, although I have seen Low six times.

If you've spent all your Three-Oh Walcott money, Jeremy, I reckon Le Monde will pay top dollar for Trente Alexander Arnold. #peepshow

Rejig: the subject line of your email to Michael Flatley. #whatwordsmean

Shortly off to Edinburgh for gig #646, Mogwai at Usher Hall. My 50th time seeing them. Only the second artist to rack up a half century, after The Wedding Present.

Gig #645 was Autechre last night in Manchester. Never seen them before, and I still haven't, really, because they play in the dark. Bonkers.

Gig #644 is Mogwai at Brixton Academy tonight. My 49th time seeing them.

I wanted to email for an ambulance after witnessing a tennis injury, but the server was down.

Gig #643 is AK/DK tonight in Manchester. My 4th time seeing them, and my first visit to Yes' Basement Room making it venue #249.

oh oh here she comes watch out shoes she'll new you up oh oh here she comes she's an odour eater

On reaching the love shack I was confronted by a sign saying "Stay away, fools." Unsure of their fool-designation criteria, I reluctantly backed away.

Here's a great idea for a joke you can do. Fashion a squid out of a pair of goalkeeper's gloves and say in your best pirate/seafaring accent "Here's a marine beastie from the depths of Davy James' locker." It'll slay 'em.

On this day in 1631: Religious pluralist Roger Williams lands in America. Also religious singularist Roger William lands in America.

Listening to some of my favourite pop music collaborations today. First up, Chas & Dave with Gloria Estefan - The Rhythm Is Gonna Gertcha

Asunder: a normal sitting position. #whatwordsmean

I thought I’d be fine after dissing a local gangster, but it turns out Barry The Hatchet *didn’t* earn his nickname by being willing to let bygones be bygones.

The monkey dance that that bloke in The Stone Roses does is known by scientists as Brown, Ian motion.

I’ll tell you what boils my piss. Hotel kettles. Sorry about that.

Me, every time I listen to Life on Mars: But he’s not even authorised to beat up the *right* guy!

-How do you spell fuchsia? -F..U.. -Alright, I was only asking.

- I open the curtains last thing at night and in the morning the sunrise wakes me up gently. No harsh beeping. - I think you’re being alarmist.

In which Kent town is it easiest to get a massive wardrobe up to your bedroom? Broadstairs.

Christening: childish name calling.

I don’t know him very well so I call him Derek Amitri.