i don't know if i can exist and work last week was the longest most stressful and emotionally exhaustive week ive ever had i hurt myself on saturday as well like idk man this shit sucks. i'm so overwhelmed and i've started hyperventilating twice today and ive only been up for like 2.5h aaaaaaaa

i feel alone

i exist for some reason still i made decisions but i will continue for now we'll see

i don't know anymore everything is my fault

i'm living in my delusions for one more night everything is quiet i can finally rest

my heart is racing and i am probably gonna start sobbing again in a few here when is it my turn to be selfish? when can i finally stop feeling worthless? when do i get my chance to feel like i belong and that i matter? when can i stop suffering? none of this is fair and it's so incredibly painful

i don't understand how pain can br both hollow/dull, sharp/piercing, and also entirely consuming all at once tear me apart piece by piece until i'm unrecognizable. grind me down and repurpose what's left to make me the person i needed to be. i need to no longer exist, so i can be properly replaced.

i want to feel wanted is that unfair is that too much for me to ask for i feel like i'm not meant to at this point. rip it all away from me and leave me to rot c'est la vie, i suppose. it's after 9pm so i am not supposed to trust what i think about life. but fuck does it hurt regardless. oh well

me: please just let this be a normal evening brain: with the intrusive thoughts? no way! [magic schoolbus starts playing]

dissociating might go pro honestly

today is an extremely overwhelming day. productive but overwhleming. a few extremely busy hours and then i can explode.

today has been the worst mental health day for a very long time (lets ignore that i say that often) i had a dream that left me full of anxiety and crying all morning, before i had to leave to do errands. then i dissociated for a few hours, then cried for a few hours after.

i just feel like i'm running out of time. i do everything i possibly can and it never is enough. nothing i do will eventually convince me that i am enough and that i've done enough to be worth saving. i watch the hourglass in hopes that anything i do will slow it down, but it doesn't. it still

also like what the fuck am i supposed to do. i am losing this game of mental health and its not even my fault. i found a therapist and now she leaves at end of month, i reached out to a place for medication and they said "we'll reach out in 1-2 business days" and that was a week ago. like fuck you i

since im pretty much out of E with no guarantee to get more on monday i should probably just stop pretending to be a woman now right like i'm clearly not there so like, maybe running out is a sign just to give up on it. like we had a good run, we can move on now

i had a moment where i thought about self harm just to keep me from crying what is happening to me. i'm losing and i don't even know why

i don't get it why does my brain ruin existence, nothing happened why do you explode

I am going to run out of E before I can get a refill. unrelated if you know anything about alternative sources let me know

i'm feeling better than i was earlier but still want to write something i often feel like nothing i ever do will be enough, and sometimes i can step back and go "yeah i do a lot" but it's still not enough to make my self worth issues go away

i dont want to exist and that makes me sad

also: louder music DOES help you not dissociate. source: me i'll be fine in a bit

i am not going to lie i do not like that some of my friends did the stuff for summit like yay money for charity but can we stop associating with the guy

i am unsure if i will be able to relax again i've been constantly doing things since the start of this year and i feel like it never ends breakup -> community drama -> moving -> work intensity for awhile -> gdq -> mario and minecraft tournaments -> ongoing work to buy a house aaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

frustrated. waste my time for one game and it doesn't matter and set aside the more important one, and then have no practice going into the one that matters. is it worth to even try

wish i got more pictures of me in this outfit, it was great at sgdq and none of the pictures show the big ass black bow i have in my hair

more album reviews, not super in depth but wanted to post them at least if anyone cares also its a lot lol

i don't deserve happiness

the last 30 minutes have been an insane mental rollercoaster. im fine just tired

lets pretend tonights crashoout didnt happen ok? i'll bring it up during therapy and then we're all good then yes? ok cool sorry about this, i'm working on it everypony

i'm not pretty :/ gotta work on fixing that. gonna shave all the hair off my body and then go to bed i think

i haven't left bed since like 4pm and its almost 10. dissociated for an hour somewhere in there. wrote a long ass journal thing but decided it was not suited for bsky. need to force myself to eat something although going upstairs seems impossible. really hoping for some mental stability one day.

i have therapy in a bit i should probably bring up that panic attack huh

i need to write soemthing right now because i need to i am (hopefull_) exitibg the worst full panic attakc ive ever had. full on loud, uncontrollable sobbing and shaking. i dont even know what happend. im still shaking but i cant keep it in i dont know and i hate it. i hate not understanding

its so fucking stupid i wake up pretending like i'm not alone by hugging my body pillow but that doesn't change a thing. i feel like i'm living in delusions

just listened to Chromakopia and it was really good, i'm not always the best at listening to music but decided it was time to sit down and listen through it. production and lyrics were fantastic, i like the overall narrative, really cool overall despite me never listening to Tyler before lmfao

overwhelming day so far and there's still so much to do... and my stomach is in pain so idk i think this is gg

everything is chill until i let my mental guard down for 30s and all of a sudden i'm thinking of hypothetical situations that won't happen and why i wouldn't "win" in any of them

typing this out so i get thoughts out of my head (as this account is supposed to be for, wowie crazy right) i need to actually sit down and figure out how to get myself the mental help that i desperately need. i go through brief moments of where everything is actually fine, but then something hits

i have now gained an aura migrane for the first time in like, at least a year. as if i am allowed anything good in this life lol took the medication and taking a shower since work is taking too fucking long and i don't care if they wait on me for at most an hour when this guy has delayed me a day

FOR YESTERDAY, THAT IS fortunately, today has been mostly a waiting game because of issues entirely outside of my control, but the sole person who is supposed to be fixing them is the worst human on earth in terms of communicating. like dude there is like 50+ people waiting on you where are you bro

this is such a miserable fucking day of work i'm so done with it, useless people not doing what they need to, everybody needing my attention, stupid fucking mistakes wasting my time. i'm so incredibly frustrated and hungry and i can't even go get food because everyone is taking their fucking time

overwhelming work day into weekend projects, which means work isn't over until late :(

that was supposed to say 1040 but whatever. i am safely back

16 hours left, 104 miles, see you all in the springs

today is the last day

for those keeping track at home i am now in chicago for a day, i resume the drive on sunday

my thoughts are dangerous. everything is fine until it isn't and then i can be in a quickly descending spiral i observed myself do it, it's not good that it's that quick a lot of what my mind does is not good need to be removed from my own head sometimes

24 hours before i wake up for my drive